Friday, May 22, 2009

Shower Struggles

One of the most difficult events to attend or even prepare for is a baby shower. Again, those aisles of tiny socks and toys provide a painful reminder. Typically, one of two reactions comes forth from shopping for a shower:

1. Hmm, those little pink onesies will work. I wonder if my favorite jeans are on sale? And those flip-flops sure are cute. Must go see!

2. Why can't this be me? Everything is so little and cute. If I had a little girl, I would dress her in that outfit. Oh, why do I do this to myself! *sniff, sniff*

However, when I trekked to Target yesterday, a different feeling came over me as I wandered the aisles of baby toys and car seats: numbness. Neither tears nor anger came to me. Perhaps the numbness is from the lack of sure knowledge of whether or not we will have a baby. My heart felt a bit angry; I wanted to be shopping for my friend K., whose baby would been born last week. So I picked out a few items and walked victoriously to the checkout, glad that I did not have to wipe away tears. Additionally, that trip was one of the first times that I did not grab something from Target's tempting $1 aisle!

I still don't feel ready to attend baby showers, as they are very painful. Thankfully, I will be out of town for the upcoming event and will bring the mom her gift in person. For now, this is my coping strategy. Perhaps when our adoption plans are underway, I will feel differently. After crying through an entire baptism of a family friend in January, avoidance works very well right now.


Maureen said...

Your courage is a good example to all of us. You might not think of yourself as brave but to go forward and do what you have to do when your emotions are so raw is real courage. May we all strive to go forward in the face of adversity, sadness or emotional numbness. I'm sending a big hug to you!

lowly said...

Showers can be the worst. You are good woman to bring the mom her present in person! I have been to ship them or send them along with someone else... :)

Percolating Petals said...

Aww, thanks. And Lowly, before you extoll me too highly, I'm only going to deliver the gift and hope she doesn't open it in front of me. :) I still have a long way to go!