Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Costs of Infertility

Still behind.  Christmas tree?  Still in the corner of our family room.  Thank you notes?  Almost done.  Evenings? Hectic catch-up.  Blogging?  Been rather unfaithful.

Thanks for the advice for the engaged couples in the previous post.  I even took the book that TW recommended to the weekend.  The couples were very receptive when I shared our journey of infertility.

This post has long been on my heart but I could never find the right time to let it flow.  I've mentioned the fruits that have come from my infertility, but not the big costs.  Contrary to popular belief, IF continues its effects through pregnancy and even afterward.  Many people are shocked to hear that.  In no way do the following costs make me ungrateful for the gift of KB. 

IF cost me financially.  For example, Femara was $130 per month. 

IF cost me emotionally.  Enough said.  I could never fully convince myself that it wasn't my fault.  And now that motherhood has come, the worries of inadequacy come even stronger (what if this is my one shot?  I better enjoy it).

IF cost me the friendships of 2 IF friends who no longer speak to me because I now have a baby.

IF cost me the joy in the early weeks of my pregnancy.  I was absolutely petrified of miscarriage.

IF cost me the hope planning pregnancies normally. A child does not come on a platter, at least in my case.  Currently, I grapple with the knowledge that I am not ready for another baby. Yet my husband and I have always hoped for at least 2 kids so they can have siblings.  Are we closing the door of conceiving by waiting?  Or will my possible plans to further my education jeopardize a future adoption?  How I would love to be like women who can plan and space their children.

(I realize that God's providence plays a roll in this, but we have to do our part too).

The costs have taken a toll.  I never expected to feel these emotions.  But as my mom often reminds me, the IF experience always stays with you.  Perhaps mine has just taken much longer. 

The costs were high, but so worth taking them on in order to wake up to this little face every morning:

I've done too many serious posts lately, so next one will talk about a cake mix experiment!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

What advice would you give?

Greetings, blogosphere.  Many thanks for the kind words in my last post.  For a great laugh today, check out JBTC's mini cheese heads for her cats.

Although KB is almost 3 months old, juggling part time teaching, the house, and every day life has been a challenge.  I would love to blog more (thanks to the poster who alerted me to the iPo.d Blogger app) but posts are hard to formulate when KB wakes up from her short naps.  To our great surprise and delight, KB has been sleeping 6-7 hours every night since 6 weeks old.  Woo-hoo!  For the record, I did the same thing as a baby (I was BF exclusively).  Thank God she inherited that.

So, on to my question.  This weekend my hubby and I will help present at a marriage prep weekend.  You can count on some great comments from me during the s.exu.ality talk about infertility.  But I'm wondering...what advice to you wish someone would have told you about marriage/family/etc. before you got married?  Please share and I will relay your pearls of wisdom to the wide-eyed engaged couples. ;)

KB and I are in search of spring weather.  It's hiding somewhere.

Start 'em young! :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

"Fruit" from Barrenness

I’ve written a few times of the oximornic “fruit” that has come forth from my infertility journey. One of the best fruits has been meeting so many of you virtually through the IF blogosphere. Other bloggers have testified to the same happening. A special hello to the lurkers out there; some of you have been pointed to my blog from my friends. Thanks for reading.

As long time readers may recall, about this time last year I was losing weight in the hopes of adopting from South Korea. My husband and I had embraced (and still do) adoption wholeheartedly. One night in the summer of 2009, I mentioned to my friend C about our adoption process. C and her husband had gone through the China adoption process and were waiting for a referral. Unfortunately, adoption in China has majorly slowed down in the past few years. C and her husband’s log in date was in 2006. When I told them of the relatively short wait for Korea (9 months), they decided to investigate it.

Fast forward to January of 2010. C excitedly posted a picture of their referral, an adorable little boy. In May of 2010, C and her husband travelled to South Korea and brought home their son, Andrew. Ironically, they also chose the name we would have given to a Korean son, after St. Andrew Kim.

C’s referral happened just before I became pregnant in 2010. I must say, this event really made my infertility journey worth it. If God had told me that my infertility journey, which lead to NaPro, which lead to adoption, would help others, perhaps I would have been more willing. I’m grateful that God used this journey to make C a mother.

A few weeks ago, C, her husband, and little Andrew came over to meet Katie Beth in person. We took this picture, one we had never fathomed possible in such short time: both of us mothers, holding our babies.

The “fruit” came from years of bitter sorrow, but oh, the joy….

p.s.  KB is almost 3 months old!  The time is flying by.  I relish staying home with her.  All those years of waiting make every moment with her (ok, well almost) that much sweeter.  And I'm not worried that our Christmas tree is still set up; it makes a great night light.  We don't intend to imitate JellyBelly's friend, though.