Still behind. Christmas tree? Still in the corner of our family room. Thank you notes? Almost done. Evenings? Hectic catch-up. Blogging? Been rather unfaithful.
Thanks for the advice for the engaged couples in the previous post. I even took the book that TW recommended to the weekend. The couples were very receptive when I shared our journey of infertility.
This post has long been on my heart but I could never find the right time to let it flow. I've mentioned the fruits that have come from my infertility, but not the big costs. Contrary to popular belief, IF continues its effects through pregnancy and even afterward. Many people are shocked to hear that. In no way do the following costs make me ungrateful for the gift of KB.
IF cost me financially. For example, Femara was $130 per month.
IF cost me emotionally. Enough said. I could never fully convince myself that it wasn't my fault. And now that motherhood has come, the worries of inadequacy come even stronger (what if this is my one shot? I better enjoy it).
IF cost me the friendships of 2 IF friends who no longer speak to me because I now have a baby.
IF cost me the joy in the early weeks of my pregnancy. I was absolutely petrified of miscarriage.
IF cost me the hope planning pregnancies normally. A child does not come on a platter, at least in my case. Currently, I grapple with the knowledge that I am not ready for another baby. Yet my husband and I have always hoped for at least 2 kids so they can have siblings. Are we closing the door of conceiving by waiting? Or will my possible plans to further my education jeopardize a future adoption? How I would love to be like women who can plan and space their children.
(I realize that God's providence plays a roll in this, but we have to do our part too).
The costs have taken a toll. I never expected to feel these emotions. But as my mom often reminds me, the IF experience always stays with you. Perhaps mine has just taken much longer.
The costs were high, but so worth taking them on in order to wake up to this little face every morning:
I've done too many serious posts lately, so next one will talk about a cake mix experiment!