Monday, April 2, 2012

One More Soul in Heaven

By far, this post will be the most gut-wrenching one I have ever written.  However, I have learned so much from other bloggers' sorrow and struggles through such posts, so perhaps the same will happen.  In the past few days, I have become more comfortable telling the world of our ordeal. 

In the middle of March, I had a positive pregnancy test.  My NaPro doctor put me on progesterone immediately, just like my previous pregnancy.  I took a blood test 3 days later.  Surprise and joy turned to sorrow when my doctor called to tell me I would miscarry very soon.  His voice on the phone was sad, yet compassionate.

My husband and I wanted closure, not wanting to wait for bleeding.  The NaPro doctor gave me a timeline for which to watch for bleeding, then to follow up with my OB.  For the next 2 weeks, I had four blood tests (mostly for HCG) and two ultrasounds.  My OB, who herself has biological and adopted children, compassionately tried to look for a miracle.  Both ultrasounds yielded no clear picture or heartbeat.  We found out towards the end of our ordeal that she also was concerned about an ec.topic pregnancy.  Thankfully, that's not a possibility:  not long after my last ultrasound, I started to bleed.  My OB is still monitoring me via blood tests (oh yeah, my favorite) to make sure the HCG numbers drop.

So we experienced the heartbreak that many bloggers and friends have tread before us: several appointments that started in an OB waiting room, looking at pregnant women (not that I was jealous, just knowing what could have been).  Going to the ultrasound, knowing the outcome would be good.  Waiting in the tiny patient room, wondering about outcomes and frustrated when answers weren't clear right away.  And of course, the constant question: WHY?

Once our situation became clear, I posted a prayer request in a girls' prayer group on Facebook.  Little did I know that my petition would post to other's news feeds.  So the word got out fast...and it was surprisingly liberating.  We have literally been surrounded in prayer as the days unfold. I've especially needed it, as chasing a 16-month-old while processing grief is not the easiest task. 

We decided to name our baby, to help us have closure.   My friend Kerri, who herself has three children in heaven, penned a profound post about why we name our miscarried children (thanks for saving me the work of explaining it too!) My miscarriage also coincided with Kerri's first miscarriage 4 years ago.  Her boldness in speaking and writing about her children and heaven has really inspired me. For some reason, my husband and I both felt our baby was a girl.  Even though she lived in my womb for a few weeks, she is a little soul in heaven. She is still a person!  

Our little saint's name is: Rachel Philomena.

My husband felt drawn to the name Rachel (she's depicted in the above sculpture).  It reminded him of Jeremiah 31:15:
"Thus says the LORD:  In Ramah is heard the sound of sobbing, bitter weeping! Rachel mourns for her children, she refuses to be consoled for her children—they are no more!"

I picked the name Philomena, which means "full of light."  St. Philom.ena was a young girl martyred in Roman times at age 13 (according to legend).  She is credited with interceding for many, many miracles.







As deep and heartbreaking as this sorrowful path has been, I am grateful to have suffered this miscarriage after our daughter was born.  She's a great distraction!  However, the biggest reason is that I tend towards pessimism and would not have reacted well to this during infertility.  Our miscarriage experience has helped us feel solidarity with two dear friends who recently suffered failed adoptions.

We plan to have a Mass to remember Rachel's brief life.  Thanks to fellow coffee lover Chasing Joy, I found out about the Church of the Holy Innocents, which has a shrine dedicated to children who died in the womb.  Parents can send in the names of their children to be inscribed in the "book of life."  

I'm grateful that we do not have to bear this heavy cross alone. 

Please feel free to ask my Rachel to pray for your intentions.  :)

20 comments:

JellyBelly said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I will keep you and Rachel in my prayers and I will definitely ask her to intercede for my intentions!

Becky said...

Oh, Kristy. I'm so sorry. We had no idea. Please know we will keep you, Mark, KB and Rachel in our prayers. If you need some KB entertainment this week, Daniel's home on Spring Break - feel free to bring her over!

C.C. (aka Crunchy Catholic Mama) said...

((Hugs)) I'm so sorry for your loss. All of you are in our prayers.

Jenny said...

Again... you are all in my prayers.

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I also had a miscarriage and naming our son and having him baptized (you can baptize by intention) brought great healing to us. Both Miguel (our son) and Rachel are watching over us.

allyouwhohope said...

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, K. I am crying as I read this. I wish there was something more I could do, but I will keep you all in my prayers. I will ask for Rachel Philomena's intercession as well. Thank you for thinking to offer that to us.

E said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. it is heartbreaking to learn that you have conceived another new life but quickly lose it. May you find consolation in the Blessed Mother's sorrow this Holy Week and beyond.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh K, I am so very sorry for your loss. ((Hugs)) Please know of my prayers for you and your family. Rachel Philomena, pray for us!

Chasing said...

I am so sorry for your loss of dear Rachel Philomena. Praying for you this holy week as you walk with Our Lady.

Sew said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.....

That perfect little soul was created through you & your husband to adore the face of God for eternity.

Truly, it can not get better then that, even though we grieve with you!

Julie said...

I am so sorry for your loss!
Praying!

Joy Complete said...

I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I'm glad you named your daughter. She will always be an intercessor for your family, and especially for her sister. Praying you will find comfort and peace.

Percolating Petals said...

Thank you all so much for your love and prayers!! I am truly touched!

Mary said...

so sorry :(

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

You are in my prayers tonight, dear friend.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Unite your suffering with His on the cross this Triduum.
Hugs and prayers.

Maureen said...

I too feel your sorrow in a special way. Little Rachel will intercede for all of us but especially for her wonderful parents. I am also comforted by the support and prayers of your friends who read this blog. Thank you all very much for supporting my "little" girl.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.
St. Rachel Philomena, pray for us!

Mrs. Mike said...

Oh K, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thankful said...

K - this is so sad. I am so sorry for your loss and will keep you all in my prayers.

Grace in my Heart said...

I am so sorry... :( I somehow missed this post. You and your sweet Rachel are in my prayers.