Two birth announcements from two different cousins arrived within days of each other. Yesterday the faculty held a baby shower for one of the teachers. Emails with baby photos galore. A Bible Study small group that ended with extensive discussion on children (I'm the only one in the group without any kids). All in one week! Granted, none of the new parents nor people involved sent/said those things out of malice. But I do wonder while staring at those little bundles of joy, if the new parents know how blessed they are?
I think of my friend K, who has already buried 2 babies. I think of the fellow support group members who are undergoing all kinds of medical pursuits and adoption. And I think of the extra time it takes to closely follow the Creighton Method, when it seems like every other woman can just snap her fingers and get pregnant. My diocese is participating in 40 Days for Life, which involves peaceful prayer in front of the local abortion clinic. Unlike last time, I cannot bring myself to go pray there. It maddens me to stand in front of a center where women can kill their babies while I remain barren. For some reason this is affecting me more than in the past.
Two weeks ago I watched someone announce her pregnancy to our Bible Study leader. I couldn't hear the words, but could tell by her face. (I used to have this sense when all my friends in college got engaged! scary!) Sure enough, the following week I saw her showing pictures of her first ultrasound. Of course, I'm happy for her, but it still hurt. Those of you who have been there know what I'm talking about. To have gotten to the point where I can tell someone is announcing their pregnancy just by looking at them...well, it's kind of sad. As my friend anticipates the birth of her 3rd child in a couple weeks, I don't know if I can even hold the newborn. That too, brings pain.
Now that this week is coming to an end with the support group meeting tomorrow, I can only hope that by the grace of God I'll keep moving forward. And that a nice lull of baby showers, birth announcements, etc. is coming. :)
Check out Empty Arms: A Heavy Load to Carry for Scriptural reflections on infertility. That's also the website where I borrowed the image. (for some reason I can't get blogger to show my paragraph breaks; sorry about the big amount of text).