Thursday, June 3, 2010

In-Between

 Amazingly, June has arrived.  School ended last week, although it feels like eons ago.  Teachers are always trying to get a myriad of things done before the last day of school.  But then the last day arrives and in the snap of a finger, everything is over.  I had a particularly hard time transitioning into non-school mode this year, especially due to my phenomenal 4th graders.  I really miss them!!  One of my Latin students gave me a Babies.R.Us gift card in lieu of my usual Starbucks card as a gift.  He reminded his mom that I was supposed to stay away from caffeine.  So cute!

Just as things began to calm down, both my hubby and I came down with a hideous stomach bug during the holiday weekend.  Yeah, lovely timing.  Actually, my poor hubby got the worse end, having to endure fever and other intestinal unpleasantness.  The unexpected couch time allowed me to process some of the tragedies that have happened lately- our former pastor sent to prison, my friend's miscarriage, the hurtful words of a someone who is going to outwardly treat me as a leper due to my pregnancy, the doubting that I can actually take care of a screaming newborn... the list goes on.  Thus, I really haven't had the heart to write any blog posts.  It's been hard enough to pray.

One of the mystifying aspects of this pregnancy after IF has been the "In-Between" stage.  I feel like an outsider with my fellow IF friends (even though the solidarity and prayers for them always remain) because of getting pregnant.  They don't make me feel this way ; I just don't have the same current experience.  Yet I don't feel like a part of the Mom group either.  I've desired motherhood ever since getting married and before, yet it looks especially daunting and scary now.  Sometimes at church I become stressed or agitated when hearing lots of babies crying.  "See, I won't be able to handle that," I tell my hubby.  This whole puzzle seems quite ironic.  During the throws of Infertility, all I could think of was the end goal of becoming a mother through pregnancy or adoption.  Sure, the thoughts of diapers and inconsolable infants crossed my mind a time or too.  But now, this is real.  I really feel like a ship between two harbors, with no safe landing yet. 

And a constant fear of miscarriage always nags my heart, every time I wait for the doctor to find the heartbeat on the Doppler.  I remember crying for my friend K when she lost her 2nd baby at 22 weeks.  However, when she lost this most recent child at 11 weeks, I cried harder, knowing now what she had inside of her.

My mom declared me in the "In-Between" stage when I wore both kids and junior clothing, making shopping rather laborious. :)  This is a bit different.

Had I known this conflict would occur, I would have tried to prepare more in IF.  Living Advent, who just had her baby girl (yea!) sent me a helpful link that showed my feelings were normal.

My parents and sister arrive tomorrow for a 10-day visit, so I will not be able to post as much.  On June 14th we will have an ultrasound to see if Baby "Buford" is a boy or girl (I am not patient like Fertile Thoughts!) and will announce it to the blogosphere!

9 comments:

Ryan Ann said...

I just know you are going to be an amazing mom ... and you'll adjust to the screaming baby as well! Have a WONDERFUL time with your parents and sister.

Leila said...

I love the honesty of this post. It is refreshing! And, I can't wait to find out if you are having a boy or a girl!

John said...

I'm sure it's really hard to be in between. Purgatorial situations... ugh. I agree with Ryan Ann, you'll do fine as a mom. Tests of patience always seem to accompany a great blessing. You'll find a way to handle the baby shrieking, God will help you out on that. Maybe try bribery, too, once Buford is able to understand "Starbucks." :)

Kasclar said...

You have such thoughtful posts. Every new parent has doubts, but you'll do great, I know you will!! Hope you have a great time with your parents and your sister. Thanks for all your emails recently and I'm sorry I haven't responded. I just got way too many of them and it has taken me a while to focus and get back to people. The emails were way down the list. And thanks for the flowers from you and all the SHE girls!! You guys are so great!! Take care and have a great visit, it'll be fun to share that ultrasound experience with your family!!

Grace in my Heart said...

As soon as you lay eyes on the precious bundle, you'll want to hear those little cries! :) Enjoy your summer and have fun with your family! I can't wait to hear if you're having a boy or a girl!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I do understand the “in-between” stage. Your journey was just different than everyone else’s and it’s perfectly normal to feel that way. Nothin’ wrong with be unique, right?

You are a great mother and are going to handle this little Irish jig dancer perfectly when he/she comes.

The person making you feel like a leper . . . that’s about her, not you. I hate you having to go through it, but like all painful situations, it generally makes you more understanding and sympathetic to other lepers

TinaP said...

Many prayers coming your way!!!!! And God WILL provide the grace you need to be a mom. I know that one by experience.

Can't wait to hear what you are having and as far as the screaming, get a sling (not one of those padded/recalled ones!!) and remember the 5 S's...sway, swaddle, side, shush and suck!!!

the misfit said...

Suggest you delete that second-last comment - it looks suspiciously like the work of my friend, the por.nspammer.

I think what you're saying makes perfect sense. I think I've heard it from a lot of pregnant IFers, too. And I can sympathize with being a misfit ;). I know you'll manage your transition from one world to another with grace.

Percolating Petals said...

Thank you all so much for the reassurance!! :)