Thursday, June 3, 2010
Just as things began to calm down, both my hubby and I came down with a hideous stomach bug during the holiday weekend. Yeah, lovely timing. Actually, my poor hubby got the worse end, having to endure fever and other intestinal unpleasantness. The unexpected couch time allowed me to process some of the tragedies that have happened lately- our former pastor sent to prison, my friend's miscarriage, the hurtful words of a someone who is going to outwardly treat me as a leper due to my pregnancy, the doubting that I can actually take care of a screaming newborn... the list goes on. Thus, I really haven't had the heart to write any blog posts. It's been hard enough to pray.
One of the mystifying aspects of this pregnancy after IF has been the "In-Between" stage. I feel like an outsider with my fellow IF friends (even though the solidarity and prayers for them always remain) because of getting pregnant. They don't make me feel this way ; I just don't have the same current experience. Yet I don't feel like a part of the Mom group either. I've desired motherhood ever since getting married and before, yet it looks especially daunting and scary now. Sometimes at church I become stressed or agitated when hearing lots of babies crying. "See, I won't be able to handle that," I tell my hubby. This whole puzzle seems quite ironic. During the throws of Infertility, all I could think of was the end goal of becoming a mother through pregnancy or adoption. Sure, the thoughts of diapers and inconsolable infants crossed my mind a time or too. But now, this is real. I really feel like a ship between two harbors, with no safe landing yet.
And a constant fear of miscarriage always nags my heart, every time I wait for the doctor to find the heartbeat on the Doppler. I remember crying for my friend K when she lost her 2nd baby at 22 weeks. However, when she lost this most recent child at 11 weeks, I cried harder, knowing now what she had inside of her.
My mom declared me in the "In-Between" stage when I wore both kids and junior clothing, making shopping rather laborious. :) This is a bit different.
Had I known this conflict would occur, I would have tried to prepare more in IF. Living Advent, who just had her baby girl (yea!) sent me a helpful link that showed my feelings were normal.
My parents and sister arrive tomorrow for a 10-day visit, so I will not be able to post as much. On June 14th we will have an ultrasound to see if Baby "Buford" is a boy or girl (I am not patient like Fertile Thoughts!) and will announce it to the blogosphere!