The Costs of Infertility

Still behind.  Christmas tree?  Still in the corner of our family room.  Thank you notes?  Almost done.  Evenings? Hectic catch-up.  Blogging?  Been rather unfaithful.

Thanks for the advice for the engaged couples in the previous post.  I even took the book that TW recommended to the weekend.  The couples were very receptive when I shared our journey of infertility.

This post has long been on my heart but I could never find the right time to let it flow.  I've mentioned the fruits that have come from my infertility, but not the big costs.  Contrary to popular belief, IF continues its effects through pregnancy and even afterward.  Many people are shocked to hear that.  In no way do the following costs make me ungrateful for the gift of KB. 

IF cost me financially.  For example, Femara was $130 per month. 

IF cost me emotionally.  Enough said.  I could never fully convince myself that it wasn't my fault.  And now that motherhood has come, the worries of inadequacy come even stronger (what if this is my one shot?  I better enjoy it).

IF cost me the friendships of 2 IF friends who no longer speak to me because I now have a baby.

IF cost me the joy in the early weeks of my pregnancy.  I was absolutely petrified of miscarriage.

IF cost me the hope planning pregnancies normally. A child does not come on a platter, at least in my case.  Currently, I grapple with the knowledge that I am not ready for another baby. Yet my husband and I have always hoped for at least 2 kids so they can have siblings.  Are we closing the door of conceiving by waiting?  Or will my possible plans to further my education jeopardize a future adoption?  How I would love to be like women who can plan and space their children.

(I realize that God's providence plays a roll in this, but we have to do our part too).

The costs have taken a toll.  I never expected to feel these emotions.  But as my mom often reminds me, the IF experience always stays with you.  Perhaps mine has just taken much longer. 

The costs were high, but so worth taking them on in order to wake up to this little face every morning:

I've done too many serious posts lately, so next one will talk about a cake mix experiment!

What advice would you give?

Greetings, blogosphere.  Many thanks for the kind words in my last post.  For a great laugh today, check out JBTC's mini cheese heads for her cats.

Although KB is almost 3 months old, juggling part time teaching, the house, and every day life has been a challenge.  I would love to blog more (thanks to the poster who alerted me to the iPo.d Blogger app) but posts are hard to formulate when KB wakes up from her short naps.  To our great surprise and delight, KB has been sleeping 6-7 hours every night since 6 weeks old.  Woo-hoo!  For the record, I did the same thing as a baby (I was BF exclusively).  Thank God she inherited that.

So, on to my question.  This weekend my hubby and I will help present at a marriage prep weekend.  You can count on some great comments from me during the s.exu.ality talk about infertility.  But I'm wondering...what advice to you wish someone would have told you about marriage/family/etc. before you got married?  Please share and I will relay your pearls of wisdom to the wide-eyed engaged couples. ;)

KB and I are in search of spring weather.  It's hiding somewhere.

Start 'em young! :)

"Fruit" from Barrenness

I’ve written a few times of the oximornic “fruit” that has come forth from my infertility journey. One of the best fruits has been meeting so many of you virtually through the IF blogosphere. Other bloggers have testified to the same happening. A special hello to the lurkers out there; some of you have been pointed to my blog from my friends. Thanks for reading.

As long time readers may recall, about this time last year I was losing weight in the hopes of adopting from South Korea. My husband and I had embraced (and still do) adoption wholeheartedly. One night in the summer of 2009, I mentioned to my friend C about our adoption process. C and her husband had gone through the China adoption process and were waiting for a referral. Unfortunately, adoption in China has majorly slowed down in the past few years. C and her husband’s log in date was in 2006. When I told them of the relatively short wait for Korea (9 months), they decided to investigate it.

Fast forward to January of 2010. C excitedly posted a picture of their referral, an adorable little boy. In May of 2010, C and her husband travelled to South Korea and brought home their son, Andrew. Ironically, they also chose the name we would have given to a Korean son, after St. Andrew Kim.

C’s referral happened just before I became pregnant in 2010. I must say, this event really made my infertility journey worth it. If God had told me that my infertility journey, which lead to NaPro, which lead to adoption, would help others, perhaps I would have been more willing. I’m grateful that God used this journey to make C a mother.

A few weeks ago, C, her husband, and little Andrew came over to meet Katie Beth in person. We took this picture, one we had never fathomed possible in such short time: both of us mothers, holding our babies.

The “fruit” came from years of bitter sorrow, but oh, the joy….

p.s.  KB is almost 3 months old!  The time is flying by.  I relish staying home with her.  All those years of waiting make every moment with her (ok, well almost) that much sweeter.  And I'm not worried that our Christmas tree is still set up; it makes a great night light.  We don't intend to imitate JellyBelly's friend, though.

Telling a Story With Ornaments

Still behind. Our Christmas tree, sans ornaments, is STILL up in our living room. Oh well, that’s how we roll! Anyway, this post has been floating in my head since the beginning of December!


Ornaments tell a story. For that reason, ornaments are one of my favorite gifts to receive from family and friends. I’m a sucker for mementos anyway (just ask my husband or mom). Ornaments make wonderful mementos, pulled out of boxes year after year, attached to some memory: a new house, a trip to Notr.e Da.me for a football game, etc.

I still have ornaments from my days as a high school youth minister, an elementary school student, or even a preschooler (don’t worry, I’ll spare you the latter). My husband still has the plush Tig.ger ornament I gave him the first Christmas we began dating. I also have many childhood ornaments, including a plush velvet stocking from one of my early Christmases. Since starting a family (which began on our wedding day, not the day we became pregnant), the ornaments have also told a story:

First Christmas together, 2006:

Last year (December 2009) I decided to make an ornament to remember my journey (at the time) towards adoption. I even chose the South Korean flag colors as the background. While painting the ornament with fellow blogger Molly, I thought about holding a sweet Korean baby in my arms the following Christmas.

That same year, the IF blogsphere began a prayer buddy effort. My Advent Prayer buddy was In All Things Good, who also started a blog called D.C. Baby. She sent me this beautiful hand woven basket ornament from somewhere in Africa. Inside, she enclosed a handwritten note containing a prayer asking God to send me a child.

2009 came, thankfully, to an end. 2010 arrived and became one of the most exciting years of my life. Around mid-December, I finally hung the ornaments on the tree, which was a miraculous feat to perform with a newborn in the house. After waiting so long, this was the first ornament that went on the tree:

I also loved this ornament at the mall:

Not surprisingly, the “waiting for baby” ornament hung nearby. I plan to arrange those two ornaments likewise next year. The “waiting” ornaments will always remain a powerful reminder of the long journey it took for KB to come into our lives. Perhaps in a future Christmas she will understand their story. I think infertility should never be forgotten. Amid the whirlwind of KB’s arrival, the ornaments became a powerful memory of sorrowful days past that now point to the gift known as Katie Beth. As an added bonus, my Advent prayer buddy gave birth to her baby boy 2 weeks after KB.

I don’t know what additional ornaments we will have on the tree in December 2011. But I know the story will continue…

Prayer buddy reveal and a miracle to report

I am WAY behind.  Some of our friends and family are only now receiving Christmas cards.  Oh well, better late than never, eh? (the "eh" is a shout out to a certain Canadian IF friend).  This past Advent I was honored to pray for Hope and Faith, a delightful blogger traversing through PCOS among other things.  She has a wonderful husband and stepson to support her along the journey.  I especially admire her perseverance, which I am especially lacking these days.

Also, among the many miracles that have occurred in the blogosphere (A Complicated Life, yea!), one happened to a friend for whom I've been hoping and praying for a long time.  Her past 3 pregnancies have ended in miscarriage, the most recent happening this past spring.  Her faithfulness to God and ability to keep going amid crippling sorrow never ceases to amaze me.  PLEASE add her to your prayer list.  I am so longing to one day share in their joy at a baptism of a child, rather than its funeral (I've been to the last 2).

In thinking about the community on the IF blogosphere and the recent miracles, this verse really exemplifies the wonderful bloggers and lurkers:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.  --Romans 12:15

So Thankful

I am so thankful and so tired from 2 weeks of Christmas, KB's baptism, and a wedding of 2 dear friends.  So instead of attempting to write a coherent, thoughtful treatise, I will use pictures instead. 

A few days before Christmas, this wonderful surprise package arrived from KB's blogger aunties.  Thank you so much!!   The IF blogging community is awesome!

Then my Advent prayer buddy, Shoved to Them, sent a most wonderful (and appropriate, considering the title of this blog) gift from Mystic Monks Coffee.  Here's KB sniffing the bag, contemplating when she will get to drink her first cup of coffee someday...

(KB's onesie was a gift from a friend of my dad's.  http://www.poshsprouts.etsy.com/)  

At Christmas, for the first time since my wedding, the families of my husband and me were gathered together.  We celebrated Christmas Day at our house.  Of course, KB had no shortage of arms to hold her.  As a bonus, the California/Oregon contingent got to experience a white Christmas for the very first time! (nota bene: we didn't take a picture on Christmas Day so I'm using one from the baptism instead)

Snowman or snow-woman?  Hey, we had powdery snow and a thin layer of it to work with. :)

KB was baptized on Dec. 27th, wearing the Barrett family gown worn by me, my mom, and my sister.  To finally have a baby in our arms, bringing her to the church for baptism, and having so many of our family and friends present was such a gift.

Me crying during the blessing of the mother.  I wanted to ask the deacon, "Are you really talking to me?  Is this real?" Two of the members of the SHE group attended the baptism, which really touched my heart.

Finally, I'm grateful for the gift of Katie Beth's life, and for all of you readers/bloggers.  2010 was quite a year, and I continue to hope and pray that God will bring blessings upon you and your families in 2011.  And as always, pray for those still waiting...

Merry Christmas

On this Christmas Eve, the best and brightest in a long time, I am thankful for all of my blogger friends and readers who have walked with me through 2010. Merry Christmas and may God bless all of you.